'However, we are sorry that you have not been accepted
for the Loures' Army.'
The letter slipped from my fingers. I just couldnt keep a grip on it.
I carefully took a few steps to the window and placed my hands firmly
onto the sill, trying so hard to sort out my emotions and not to show
anything more than the tension in my body. But why was I trying not
to show anything? There was no one here to see anything.
Thoughts were flying about too quickly to capture them, except for
me. I struggled with them, trying so hard to put them into some semblance
of order and to rid myself of that one clear thought. My hands clenched
in fists as I shook a little from the intensity into my emotions.
I failed. I failed. I failed. I didnt get into the Imperial Champion
Army. One chance and I blew it. I blew it. I failed! Misery locked
me into place. I had lost the one thing that I had ever dreamt about.
If my life would just end now, I would give it willingly. No, I was
But... I tried so hard to reach for it, but just those simple words.
'...you have not been accepted for Loures' Army.' Why did I make that
promise to Johanna? Did I really think that she would notice me? Did
I need to get into the Army for her to really notice me? the real
me? No, it's not right to get angry at her. I was foolish for thinking
such things. Loures' Champion Army... What was it? It was a dream
that came so suddenly and was broken just as quickly, but it was a
dream nonetheless. And I failed! hints of tears came to my eyes. Coldly,
I pushed them down. Me cry? No, I wouldn't let myself. I had come
so far, just to fail.
My nails dug into the palms of my hands, pressing the shapes of half-moons
into the skin. No, I had to calm down. My hands loosened and pressed
against the cool pane of glass. It was how I felt now. Frozen inside,
into an analytical mode, where everything was placed in place without
feeling. These emotions didn't even feel like mine. I felt separated,
numb. I saw nothing in my future except bleakness, the darkness of a
night where no moonlight or stars would be able to break through the
glass, but what was it? I would only be doing another useless thing.
It would only scare those around me, but then... who was around me?
I pressed my forehead against the glass, feeling the coldness seep
into my body. Why did I exist if I did nothing at all? There was nothing
more. The one thing I wanted... I nearly choked on harsh laughter. My
hands curled almost ready to splinter the thing that was separating
me. Separating me for what/ Was I inside or outside? Did it even matter
now? Not at all.
I pulled away from the cool pane. My hands fell to my sides in fists
again, pressing hard. Break my skin and make myself bleed. I wanted
to do it, but I couldn't. Only pain climbed from my hands to feed the
pain in my heart. Why cant I do it? Why? I should let the blood flow
I wanted to sink to the floor and keep feeling sorry for myself, but
others would come and find me. What others? What was I thinking? I was
foolish, but it was almost if I could hear the taunting of the others
now. Those others. I struggled against the ghostly voices, screaming
to do that! I would grow stronger and try again. I would! For a moment,
my heart lifted and then sunk deeper, falling into a sea of darkness.
But... I was stupid for believing that I could accomplish anything,
do anything, become like Carnun. My legs slowly gave way till I was
siting beneath the window. My hands reaching to wrap about my legs.
For how long I sat here, staring at the blank wall, I dont know. All
I remembered was an overwhelming despair that sunk me to the ground
and that I couldnt even find the strength to fight, and nothing else.
But remembering that invoked nothing in me. the despair, the sadness,
the pain, had all faded down to a lingering throbbing wound, still open
and existent. With no reason, no hope, no cause, I stood up, not knowing
why. Why was I living? I had no will to live, but still, my feet moved.
One step, then another carrying me forward to pick the letter up again
and read those depressing words once again, and even slowly. But what
did it matter? I was numb. Nothing mattered. I was only moving on habit,
some stupid instinct to live on when there was nothing left.
Rena the third