12th Moon, 31st Sun "THE SWANBERGIAN GAZETTE" 12th Moon, 31st Sun
"Don't Nobody Touch My Umbrella"
by Arne Gustaf Swanberg
This is directed at one of you out there, you know who you are. I would like to address a crucially important topic regarding touching my umbrella, namely, the touching of my umbrella. There are some things in this world that we all possess solely on an individual basis, things that belong to us and only us, things that are not to be tampered with by those outside our exclusive personal domain. Uppermost on this list of items is the umbrella. Now, the other day, I was in a cafe down by the docks, and I hung my umbrella from the back of my chair. As I was dining upon my oysters, peanut butter, and cranberry juice, some fool came up behind me, and, in passing by my chair, touched my umbrella.
Yes, I'm speaking to you, you ninny-livered salt-sucker. You have violated an important component of my personal domain through your irresponsible actions. You have invaded my life in a way that is nothing short of inexcusable. You have violated a central precept of moral conduct whose sanctity is one of the pillars of a civilized people. You, sir, have done a disrespectful disservice to me and to your people. You have touched, nay, FONDLED, in fact...my umbrella.
I would like to speak to you through this medium as if we were in private for a moment now, sir. I would like to say to you something which I hope you will heed for the remainder of your days. I would like you to listen well and fully comprehend the implications of the upcoming favor, nay, DIRECTIVE, which I am about to elocute. Sir, I say unto you, for your continued well-being and the well-being of the moral fibre of society, do not, under any circumstances, ever, in any context or manner, in thought or in deed, in word or in act, by accident or with premeditated purpose, do not touch...my umbrella.
In fact, while I'm at it, I would like to address all of you out there, who, like the unfortunate young man who I have herein publicly accused of this heinous act, may be contemplating or may someday be fated to touch my umbrella. I would like to say unto you, NOBODY, but NOBODY, touches my umbrella. Not you, not your friend, not your grandma, not your dog, not your wife's second cousin, not your wife's second cousin's wife, not even your masseuse, mentor, milkman, or scullery maid.
ARE WE CLEAR AS TO THE TACTILE PROTOCOL REGARDING MY UMBRELLA?! ARE WE CRYSTAL-CLEAR?! ARE WE CLEAR AS THE AZURE WATERS OF THE BLOODY OCEAN HERE?! CLEAR WITH A CLARITY THAT EXCEEDS THAT OF ALL OTHER CLEAR THINGS?!
I'll give you your answer. We BETTER be clear. Don't NOBODY TOUCH MY UMBRELLA. NOBODY.