So I was walking down the street
last night, about nine-ish, you dig? Well, you’re
just not gonna believe this. I was desperately in need
of a fix, you know how it gets, so I was taking a stroll
to the local “Grocery” as I like to call it,
to get my hands on some pure hemloch deum. None of that
hemloch deum mixed with beothaich deum distilled in personaca
deum, oh no, I had been promised the pure stuff and boy
was I excited. I couldn’t wait to lounge back in
my lot by the Rucesion seaside, take a nice big draught
of the Green Poison, lie spread-eagle on my shag rug,
and stare vacuously at the ceiling as pink elephants danced
in front of my eyes singing a cappella.
Well, as luck would have it, I came across these three
tabard-wearing pigs at the corner of Fiat Lux Avenue and
Runic Terra Voulevard, sneering and carrying these nightsticks
like they were the King’s personal bodyguards or
something. One of them approached me. “So, how’s
tricks, boyo?” he said. I was this close to punching
him in the face, and I’m not joking. “What’re
you doing out at this peculiar hour, hmm? It’s a
little too early for an al fresco dining experience, so
me and my buddies here are a little curious. Walk and
talk, boyo. Walk and talk.” And he got me by the
armpits in this lock-hold.
So I wriggled free, looking irate, spread my arms, and
inflated my thoracic cavity in a confrontational manner.
“Ey, why don’t you chill out, Legal Eagle?!
I’m just takin’ my constitutional, a’ight?!”
I said. Now, I thought I was being pretty reasonable,
don’t you agree? Well! The music just doesn’t
stop with these fellas.
The middle one, with a grin on his face that looked like
a pair of underwear had been stretched too far and pasted
on his face where his mouth should be, says to me, he
says: “Now, now, we’re not implying anything”
and he puts his arm around my shoulder, all buddy-buddy,
wheeling me into this dark alley. At this point, I’m
like, “What in Ch-d-l is this [CENSORED]?”
This is definetely not how I was hoping my night would
So here I am in this alley, with these goons that call
themselves Guards of the Commonwealth of Rucesion, being
frisked. And when I say frisked, I mean the whole spool
o’ thread, mind you. This was the grandaddy of all
friskings. Of course, they didn’t find nothin’
on me, except the red tinge in my cheeks.
Then they started checking up on where I was going. So
I was like, “I’m just going to make a circle
here around this street and go back to my house, stopping
by to pick up a few snacks on the way! You don’t
have to get all inquisitive on me”. [Cont. pg. 2B,
[cont’d. from 1st page]Suddenly they let me go. I
straightened my shirt collar and said, “Well, I’m
glad you guys have come to your senses. Sometimes I think
the justice and politics in this town has really sone
I laughed about that when I was at a safe distance.
But, you think this is the end of the story? I wish it
had been, but it wasn’t. Several minutes later,
when I was just about to dive into a back-alley I was
well aquainted with as being a shortcut to the black market
where they sell all the freshest hemloch, I just happened
to look back. And I’ll give you three guesses what
Don’t know? I’ll tell you. I saw those three
pigs lurking behind the corner of a bakery, scoping me
out with their beady little self-righteous eyes. Well,
I really wanted to give it to them right then, but I just
pretended like I didn’t notice. But, that cost me
the whole night. I had to alter my whole plan of action.
So you know what I did? Instead of going to the hemloch
place, I went to a candy shop and bought a few little
square slices of this saffron cake with the yellow frosting
shaped into little flowers. You know the kind. I turned
around, walked over to the guards and said, “Here.”
The look on their faces! I just about wet my pants!
Well, they didn’t take it. And I couldn’t go
to the hemloch alley ‘cause I knew these scumbags
were scoping me out.
Oh yeah, and they wouldn’t even take the cake, either.
But this story sure does. I had my cake but I sure as
hell couldn’t eat it. Ha ha, I just about kill myself.I
just hate being hassled by these truncheon-touting fascists.