Arne Gustaf Swanberg ;-)

1st Moon, 27th Sun "THE SWANBERGIAN GAZETTE" 1st Moon, 27th Sun

"Local Man Finds Life Lacking In Maudlin Musical Score"


A local farmer and father of three, Keenan Domhnaill, has made an unfortunate discovery as pertaining to the course of his life since the forty-six-year-old's unremarkable conception.

"I've felt my life has been missing something ever since I inherited my father's farm. Some bit of oomph that truly makes life what it is; that added flavor, that unexpected drama and heartrending tragedy, that comic relief that comes from the touching interplay of family and their struggles through this crazy old world," stated Domhnaill with what may or may not have been sincerely dramatic and touching emotion. "My life has been sorely lacking in the one thing that could at least fabricate a distant sense of these things--a maudlin musical score".

Domhnaill, whose birth was less than miraculous, whose completion of his schooling less than outstanding, and whose wedding was less than a blessed and joyful event, is attributed by the man himself and his entire family to be entirely due to the lack of fitting musical accompaniment to set the mood of these landmark events. Due to the drastic lack in this much-needed modification to Domhnaill's life, many of the events which were supposed to be important tragicomic turning points are but faded, insignificant memories along an aimless path that is generally bland and uninteresting.

"When my first child was born and my wife nearly died from the strain of labor, no pianist played as I sat in my room, wracked with grief and worry. Heck, I couldn't even decide what I was supposed to be feeling, so it sure would've helped if some music would have set the mood for me", elaborated the farmer. "When my beloved hunting dog Ripper died, and I dug its grave with my own bare hands in the pouring rain, no melancholy violin accompanied me in my tribulations. Is this truly, then, a life? Has it not lost something due to its lack of a musical score? Is my human suffering and seemingly pointless struggle not worthy of being accented by, say, a theme ballad with some syrupy lyrics? Come on! I'm dying here! And it's not even dramatic!"

Domhnaill's cries for musical recognition have not fallen on deaf ears. A number of traveling bards looking for work have jumped on the opportunity to follow the farmer around and compose soundtracks to delineate the mundane events of his ridiculously simplistic and utterly insignificant and in fact morbidly pathetic existence.

Among the first additions to the library of songs in honor of the mileposts of Domhnaill's life are "The Shower Theme", a slow melody that simulates the trickling of water for when Domhnaill takes a bath; "Kids Will Be Kids", a whimsical banjo ditty to create a greater sense of the amusing shenanigans undertaken by Domhnaill's three children; and "Winds of Change", a woodwind melody that captures life as a whole, an overture that is a tribute to the little events that make up the romantic, domestic, day-to-day struggles of the common man, and how they fit into a greater scheme, in which birth, death, marriage, and the spectrum of emotion combine to form a mesh of something or other which is all very dramatic and engaging and contains a message of hope.

Some of Domhnaill's neighbors have risen up in anger against the farmer's self-centered demands. "If he's gonna have music, why can't I?!" said a horse-breeder from a pasture near Domhnaill's. "Why, my hoss jes' had a brood o' calves last week, and if that ain't a life miracle or some junk like that, then I don't know what is! I reckon I need to hire me some bards myself!"

"Domhnaill's always been an uppity old coon. Thinks he needs music to make his days worth somethin'", added an adjacent neighbor scornfully. "It ain't music he needs, naw, we can all get by without music. What he needs is a stiff whack to the head wit' one o' my plows--now that'll be music to MY ears, at least".

--->Arne Gustaf Swanberg
Skalm av Suomi

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