Swanberg: We thank you very much for agreeing to sit down and talk with us, Mr. Nightgaunt! The Swanbergian Gazette truly appreciates your cooperation and insight as it strives to bring news to the people of the entire world. In fact, the Swanbergian Gazette is now cheaper and more informative than ever, featuring usually an entire article at almost approaching regular intervals. Subscribe to the Gazette-and stay informed.
Nightgaunt: SILENCE, WEAKLING HUMAN! DEATH
WILL RAIN IN THICKENED SCABS FROM THE FIRMAMENTS UPON YOU, NAUGHT
BUT A WART ON THE PARCHED FACE OF THE EARTH! THE PILLARS OF ALL WHICH
YOU KNOW WILL COLLAPSE AROUND YOU IN A HORRENDOUS MAELSTROM OF APOCALYPSE!
LIFE AS YOU UNDERSTAND IT SHALL CEASE AND-
Swanberg: And my name is Swanberg. Now, I'd like to ask you a few questions so that we may provide to the mundanes and Aislings throughout Temuair a little information about the views and opinions of the average sentient dubhaimid. I'd like to start off with some hot topics-politics and religion.
Nightgaunt: MAY YOUR FOOLISH "POLITICS" AND "RELIGION" BURN IN THE SILENT HELLFIRES OF THE ABYSS! YOU ARE A WRITHING WORM IN A PIT OF BRINE, UNAWARE OF THE BANALITY OF YOUR EXISTENCE! SOON, YOU SHALL SEE THE TRUE WAY OF DARKNESS!
Swanberg: So, then, I take it you have no spiritual leanings?
Nightgaunt: I AM THE AVATAR INCARNATE OF THE HOLY LORD CH-D-L AND THE PROFOUND DARKNESS THAT DWELLS AT THE HEART OF THE EARTH!
[fumbling through sheets of parchment]. Have you any opinion on the heresy and the governmental corruption in the higher offices of the Aisling-settled Mileth Village?
Nightgaunt: YARGHG!!! EVER SINCE I WAS SPAWNED FROM THE CORPULENT BODY OF THE DUBHAIMID WORM QUEEN THAT DWELLETH IN THE STYGIAN DEPTHS OF THE LOWEST, DARKEST VALLEY OF KADATH, FROM WHENCE THOUSANDS OF HANDS, FLAILING IN WOE, STRETCH GRUESOMELY TOWARDS THE GIBBERING MAW OF THE SKY
EVER SINCE I WAS SPAWNED THERE, I HAVE THOUGHT PENSIVELY OF HOW MUCH I DETEST YOU SPECIFICALLY!!! MAY YOUR WORLD WITHER UNTIL ITS ASH-HEAPED CRUST TREMBLES IN THE CELESTIAL WINDS!!!
Swanberg: Fascinating. Do you have any specific suggestions for solving this pervasive problem in our society?
Nightgaunt: WE MUST TAKE THEIR BODIES AND RIVE THEM OVER THE TEETH OF THE ACCURSED THAT GNASH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA OF BLOOD, IN THE INNERMOST CURTAIN OF THE PROMISED LAND OF KADATH.
huh. I must say that is a very practical approach that I am sure will be considered. Now, moving on to other pressing issues of our day
do you believe that the peasant blouse is in fact too short for modern sensibilities?
Nightgaunt: THE LENGTH OF THE RAIMENT OF THE FEMALES OF YOUR INFERIOR, WIMPERING SPECIES DOES NOT CONCERN ME. IT IS THEIR HARVESTING SO THAT THEY MAY REAP MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DEMON HEIRS UNTO THE DARK LORD CH-D-L THAT IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE TO THE FIENDISH POWERS WHICH SO INTEND THAT THE WORLD DESCENDS DOWN THE ENDLESS GYRE LEADING TO THE BESTIAL DAMNATION OF ALL.
Swanberg: Utterly riveting views you've shared with us here. Do you think things were maybe any better before the end of the third Atavism Age?
Nightgaunt: BE SILENT, FOOLISH DRUDGE! THE GNATTERING WHICH EMANATES FROM YOUR FOOD-HOLE ENRAGES ME WITH RAGE, BECAUSE I AM EVIL AND IT IS MY JOB TO DISPLAY GRATUITOUS ANGER!
Swanberg: Well, we're just about out of space here. Any other comments you'd like to add our readers might be interested in, Mr. Nightgaunt?
Nightgaunt: YES! YOU AND YOUR INSIGNIFICANT, MISERLY FUTURE SPAWN SHALL SOON LEARN THE TRUE POWER OF THE DARKNESS, YEA, AND AN ETERNAL GLOOM WILL ENSHROUD THE PLAYGROUND THAT IS YOUR WEAK AND MISERABLE REALM! IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW BEFORE LIFE IN YOUR DIMENSION DOFFS ALL SEMBLANCE OF ORDER! AND WHEN YOUR TURGID, EMACIATED HUSKS, SWOLLEN LIKE BALLOONS WITH FEAR OF DEATH, ARE RESURRECTED AND SLAIN ONCE MORE FOR MERE AMUSEMENT, YOU WILL AT LAST UNDERSTAND THE INFINITE AND COMPLETE DOMINATION OF DARKNESS O'ER THE UNIVERSE! YOU WILL AT LAST COMPREHEND THE INDELIBLE HORROR OF CH-D-L'S WRATH! YOU
[The Nightgaunt trails off in such a manner for approximately three more hours].