|| News In Brief
symbols of adoration
ASTRID — After the last
adoration a warning was issued to participants. No longer will
slimy Crosses, gnawed-on Octograms or halfway devoured Flowers
be accepted. Several Aislings have been caught red-handed chewing
on these priceless artefacts for fun, kicks and that extra little
additional nutrition. Loures promises investigation... but will
likely not do so.
Monk lights a flare:
WASTELANDS — Today a
freak accident occurred just near the wastelands. A young monk
trying out his inner fire, ‘accidentally’ set himself
on fire and was seen running around like a flare in heat.
Screaming for help but noticing the inner fire kept his health
in check, he suffered for countless of hours and cried for someone
to kill him. When finally guards arrived at the scene they ran
off but quickly returned with... Marshmallows and weenies.
LOURES HARBOUR — The harbour of Loures have
been investigated and proven to be a death trap. Some Aislings
and Mundanes died, falling off hastily slapped together planks
laid on top of each other. Not to mention all the rusty nails
sticking out which can cause a foot to turn to Sgrios. Also,
the shark infested - or should I say invested - waters, have
caused many to die a gruesome death.
Loures official Sir Wankelot: “If these waters were safe,
we would develop tourism just like we got sewer tourism in Oren
and Piet. People would be jumping off with breath rings and
get it on down there. That is why we hired deadly sharks to
‘safeguard’ the waters down there.”
|| Top Story
LOURES — Test at Loures chemistry lab
have shown that eating pets can be very nutritious. Various
members tested eating floppies, cats, slimes and many more to
find the secret behind a “cuisine de pets”.
Rucesion Lord Pierre D’Artagan claims: “Soon a chain
of restaurants will be opened serving pets as main course. These
will be accompanied by kobold soups, goblin stews and dwarf
deserts. All we who can pay shall feast like kings and queens.”
Poking the eyeball
TEMUAIR — Development
of the latest Warrior grounds left many warrior/monks in a pit.
Various female ‘wonks’ or male ‘wanks’
were cheated out of 2 new skills which were given here to regular
warriors. Long Strike (an extra assail) and Combat Sense (ID
When asking the trainer for answer he claimed: “They should’ve
been born later or not strayed from their divine warrior path.
Everyone knows warriors rule everything. Maybe they should take
a course in ‘poking the eyeball’. I did and it made
me a better man.... someone turn on the light now?” Several
Warrior/monks have been seen applying at the unemployment office.
Poking the eyeball
RUCESION/MILETH — Sir
Ian Methuselah Anton Quack has proven that poking your eyeball
once a day keeps the bed bugs away. Tests have proven that poking
your eyeball makes you more active, alert, balanced and sensitive.
Sir I.M.A Quack also claimed that this new training program
could relieve people troubled by those hard diets and bladder
problems. You will need guidance in these special treatments
and this can be given at the L.A.M.E ‘Loures Agency of
Medicine and Entertainment’.
Today it is said that King Bruce shall be called
“King Bruce the magnificent ruler of all the ‘little
people’”. Kissing boots shall be reinstated, and
so will slavery and torturing beggars for pocket change. Also,
all people will have to pay taxes in gold, items, food or bodily
functions (if they are attractive, else you get arrested). Rangers
will all be taking ‘poking the eyeball’ training
courses for free at Sir Quack
Would the owner of a purple cart with a pink ox in front. please move his or
her vehicle from the Castle entrance, it tends to block the
entry and leave a lot of dung.
Selling Matrika Rose, slightly
chewed on but still in good order. Reply to Sparky the Sparkster.
Tyrant seeks county: Tyrant,
40 deochs old, seeks small or medium county to terrorise,
extort and oppress. Only minor charge of transportation and
prefers a small army of brigands, thugs and cut-throats to
instate as local militia and collect payment from the citizens.
Leave your letter and picture of city at the Rudolph Goat
Tossing your pet for grand prices.
It is fun, a team effort and also educational. Bring your
cattle, children and hubaes along ‘in case we run out
of pets’ and watch them leap for joy. So come to your
local tavern and get information of the next Pet toss games.
Brought to you by Spanky the Wanky, your favourite ex warrior/monk.
Young hubae rents itself out for
abuse and maltreatment. Only 10.000 coins a day.
I will let myself get abused, beaten, threatened and tortured
in various ways. These acts should not break the Loures and
State Cities Abuse Act of ‘14. So don’t ask me
to vote or harass other Aislings.