Mundane Gazette  
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Issue 8 Issue 9      
   
Issue 9 | (( May 17th 2003)) | As reported by Shilentha  
  News In Brief
Eating symbols of adoration
ASTRID After the last adoration a warning was issued to participants. No longer will slimy Crosses, gnawed-on Octograms or halfway devoured Flowers be accepted. Several Aislings have been caught red-handed chewing on these priceless artefacts for fun, kicks and that extra little additional nutrition. Loures promises investigation... but will likely not do so.

Monk lights a flare:
WASTELANDS Today a freak accident occurred just near the wastelands. A young monk trying out his inner fire, ‘accidentally’ set himself on fire and was seen running around like a flare in heat.
Screaming for help but noticing the inner fire kept his health in check, he suffered for countless of hours and cried for someone to kill him. When finally guards arrived at the scene they ran off but quickly returned with... Marshmallows and weenies.

Loures Harbour:
LOURES HARBOUR The harbour of Loures have been investigated and proven to be a death trap. Some Aislings and Mundanes died, falling off hastily slapped together planks laid on top of each other. Not to mention all the rusty nails sticking out which can cause a foot to turn to Sgrios. Also, the shark infested - or should I say invested - waters, have caused many to die a gruesome death.
Loures official Sir Wankelot: “If these waters were safe, we would develop tourism just like we got sewer tourism in Oren and Piet. People would be jumping off with breath rings and get it on down there. That is why we hired deadly sharks to ‘safeguard’ the waters down there.”


Kedian's Temuair Clock

 

  Top Story
Health Studies


Will these poor critters end up on some fancy dinnerware too?  
Pets are nutritious.
LOURES Test at Loures chemistry lab have shown that eating pets can be very nutritious. Various members tested eating floppies, cats, slimes and many more to find the secret behind a “cuisine de pets”.
Rucesion Lord Pierre D’Artagan claims: “Soon a chain of restaurants will be opened serving pets as main course. These will be accompanied by kobold soups, goblin stews and dwarf deserts. All we who can pay shall feast like kings and queens.”


Top News
Warriors/monks screwed. 

Poking the eyeball

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Warriors/monks screwed.
TEMUAIR Development of the latest Warrior grounds left many warrior/monks in a pit. Various female ‘wonks’ or male ‘wanks’ were cheated out of 2 new skills which were given here to regular warriors. Long Strike (an extra assail) and Combat Sense (ID a monster).
When asking the trainer for answer he claimed: “They should’ve been born later or not strayed from their divine warrior path. Everyone knows warriors rule everything. Maybe they should take a course in ‘poking the eyeball’. I did and it made me a better man.... someone turn on the light now?” Several Warrior/monks have been seen applying at the unemployment office.

Poking the eyeball
RUCESION/MILETH Sir Ian Methuselah Anton Quack has proven that poking your eyeball once a day keeps the bed bugs away. Tests have proven that poking your eyeball makes you more active, alert, balanced and sensitive.
Sir I.M.A Quack also claimed that this new training program could relieve people troubled by those hard diets and bladder problems. You will need guidance in these special treatments and this can be given at the L.A.M.E ‘Loures Agency of Medicine and Entertainment’.

Public announcement:
Today it is said that King Bruce shall be called “King Bruce the magnificent ruler of all the ‘little people’”. Kissing boots shall be reinstated, and so will slavery and torturing beggars for pocket change. Also, all people will have to pay taxes in gold, items, food or bodily functions (if they are attractive, else you get arrested). Rangers will all be taking ‘poking the eyeball’ training courses for free at Sir Quack.

Would the owner of a purple cart with a pink ox in front. please move his or her vehicle from the Castle entrance, it tends to block the entry and leave a lot of dung.


Yellow Pages:

Selling Matrika Rose, slightly chewed on but still in good order. Reply to Sparky the Sparkster.

Tyrant seeks county: Tyrant, 40 deochs old, seeks small or medium county to terrorise, extort and oppress. Only minor charge of transportation and prefers a small army of brigands, thugs and cut-throats to instate as local militia and collect payment from the citizens. Leave your letter and picture of city at the Rudolph Goat garden.

Tossing your pet for grand prices. It is fun, a team effort and also educational. Bring your cattle, children and hubaes along ‘in case we run out of pets’ and watch them leap for joy. So come to your local tavern and get information of the next Pet toss games. Brought to you by Spanky the Wanky, your favourite ex warrior/monk.

Young hubae rents itself out for abuse and maltreatment. Only 10.000 coins a day. I will let myself get abused, beaten, threatened and tortured in various ways. These acts should not break the Loures and State Cities Abuse Act of ‘14. So don’t ask me to vote or harass other Aislings.

 
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